News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize