A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize