Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
