I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
