Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Alive.
So much puke
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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