The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
