cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize