I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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