I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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