Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
