Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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