I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
