Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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