my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
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