I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
