Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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