Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
