Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
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