If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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