So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry š¬
And, by āmake you dinnerā I mean āhave lots of sex and multiple orgasms.ā So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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