I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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