Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
