idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
