Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
