I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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