new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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