Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
