Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
