Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
