for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
