and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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