apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
