TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
