I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
