I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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