Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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