I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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