you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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