Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
