my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
His nipple licking is glorious
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