Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
