FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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