Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
