Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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