Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
