why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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