I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
