Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
