I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
