Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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