My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
