I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
