Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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