I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
