I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
