So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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