I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
