The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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