I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
