i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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